I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
