My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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