Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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