Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
