Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
