So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
