my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
