she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
are you so shy because you have an std?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
