why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
