Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
