I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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