I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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