Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
