I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
tell me about the fingering
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