Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
