I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
