He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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