Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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