Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
