I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
