as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
