I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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