It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
