I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
