my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
