I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
