She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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