hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
