then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
