How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
