my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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