She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
