My nipple is on Facebook.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
