dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
