I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
