I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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