the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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