I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
