How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
