I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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