It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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