you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
