Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
