Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
