They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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