I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
