one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
