i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
