Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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