yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
