On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
