My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
